What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
