I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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