best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
