She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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