woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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