she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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