evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Never joke about your clitoris.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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