After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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