i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
there is puke in my bra ... again
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
