my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
