If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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