When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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