I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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