Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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