I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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