woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
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I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
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I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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