Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
