I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I think people are normalizing furries
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
please don't ironically join a cult
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