someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
