I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
