Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Duck Duck Cougar?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
