My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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