Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
