if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
