I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
