I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
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Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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