You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
