Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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