ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
