I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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