we have pet lesbian snakes
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
