i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Less talking, more tequila
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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