drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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