I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
