I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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