And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
