How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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