take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
