Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
why do cheetos always look like penises
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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