I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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