how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
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Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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