I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm always down for nudity.
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