I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
