I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
