Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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