You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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