The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
