i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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