At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
