She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
