So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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