That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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