Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
