if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
