Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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